Postpartum hormones, perfection and grace

Postpartum hormones are interesting things. Despite our beautiful heart-shaped placenta in convenient encapsulated form, I've had many moments over the last couple of weeks. Moments where I am reminded I am not super-woman. Moments where my humanity smacks me smartly on the cheek, and leaves me a crying, shaking mess. 

All my life I've resisted this weakness. Somewhere along the line I heard and believed the lie that your life has to be perfect for anyone to love you. Or, look as close to perfect as you can muster. This lie has hit me hard in the last two weeks. I've realized how deeply rooted it is in my being; how tenderly I hold onto it, as if it gives my life identity.

Because in the last two weeks, more than any other time in my life, there have been moments where I just did not think I could make it five more minutes without everything around me collapsing in a pile of rubble - myself and my children included. 

And I thought, Is this what it's going to be now? Am I going to be grasping for air the rest of my life, just trying to keep my head above water?

Baby blues? Probably. But the Holy Spirit has been doing a number on my heart through this emotional roller coaster.

Feeding on the husks around me,

Till my strength was almost gone,

Longed my soul for something better,

Only still to hunger on.

Five weeks in I decided I was finally up for Sunday evening potluck and worship with our sweet, growing church. I'd made it the morning a week earlier, and nearly fell asleep to my husband's sermon, but that week had been even harder, and I knew more than rest I needed to worship with others.

As I prepared to go to church Sunday evening I felt Satan pulling me back; trying to hinder me from worship. I was juggling an antsy toddler, who needed cleaned and dressed; and an over-hungry newborn choking on and crying over the over-abundance of milk my body is still convinced he needs. I nearly burnt our contribution to the potluck, and didn't have time to finish all I had planned to bring. Daniel arrived home fifteen minutes late to drive us to church, and I told him to just leave me. I wanted to burrow under the covers and cry myself to sleep. I most certainly wasn't ready to walk out the door, and most definitely wasn't ready to walk into church. At least my heart didn't feel ready.

My heart didn't feel ready for worship, or praise.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,

Something that would satisfy,

But the dust I gathered round me

Only mocked my soul’s sad cry.

I went anyway. Not cheerfully, not easily, but because I knew I needed to. 

There is something deeply beautiful amongst a circle of true friends: the awareness that you are not alone. 

As I sat in my chair and looked around at the familiar and beloved faces of our church family the life stories of many of them came to mind, and I realized that as burdened and empty as I felt in that moment there were others dealing with heavier, even darker burdens. My heart quickly softened.

And as we sang, and worshipped together, and then gathered for communion, Grace drowned me like a flood of water. That perfection I had been striving for all week - all my life long? was drenched in a depth of love I could not even wrap my mind around.

Well of water, ever springing,

Bread of life so rich and free,

Untold wealth that never faileth,

My Redeemer is to me.

No matter how hard I try life will never be perfect. Having two babies has rocked my world in great ways. I have felt my heart love deeper than I knew possible. Yet, it has rocked my world in tough ways, too. I do not have it all together. I don't even have a daily routine yet. I probably won't for a good month or two more. I'm sleep deprived. I'm behind on everything.

And slowly, the grace of the gospel is showing me that that is ok. Life here isn't perfect, and I don't have to pretend it is. The love Jesus offers is deeper, richer, fuller than any wimpy satisfaction I gain from trying my hardest; and when my heart feels dry and heavy, his love satisfies.

After all, of all the burdens any have had to bear is not the weight of the darkness and death in this world the heaviest? If any heart should feel dry, should it not be His. Nailed to a cross, mocked and beaten, forsaken by all but a few, betrayed by one of his best friends, and sold for thirty pieces of silver. And when He cried out to God in heaven the sky only grew darker, and the silence more deafening. Because life isn't perfect, and He knew it. So He died to make all right again, and He calls to us, sometimes softly and quietly, sometimes like thunder: Beloved, I know the pain you're feeling. I know the burden you carry. Give it up: I paid the price for your freedom. Just trust me. I will make all things new.

Hallelujah! I have found Him

Whom my soul so long has craved!

Jesus satisfies my longings,

Through His blood I now am saved.

Jesus was that, too.

 This precious boy is here with us this Christmas, and what a joy it is.



As he gains more independence, it has made this mama rather reminiscent of days gone by, when his cry was a faint quiver, and his skin was too big and rolled like folds of velvet over his perfect arms and legs.

And then I think:

Jesus was like that, too.

I nurse my little one, kiss his scratches, bathe, clothe, and care for him every day. He is needy, and during this Christmas season the thought has been inescapable:

Jesus was like this, too.

At the time of his greatest humiliation, his greatest glory was shown. Completely vulnerable, yet heaven cried Victory! 

This Christmas, as I hold my own sweet boy close to me, I've treasured up in my heart that that victory is sure. Because nothing like the weighty responsibility of caring for your own child makes you feel so desperately needy.

"And you shall give him the name Jesus, for he shall save the people from their sins." Matthew 1:21

The world groans in pain, tears fall in bucketfuls. Hearts ache. Minds hurt. Bodies don't work like they should. Men steal and cheat. They murder. Men, women, and children die - some ripe with old age, and season with a good life. Others, too soon - some, much too soon - and thousands, daily, before they even had a chance to take a breath. Always, it hurts.

We need a rescuer. A healer. A comforter. A friend. Someone to cry with us, and to hold us. Someone to fight for the wrong, to make all things right. A defender and protector. A conqueror. 

Then Christmastime comes, and amidst the bustle, we can look to that child in the manger and know:

Jesus is all that, too.

Motherhood

Motherhood is a thousand good things at once. Kisses, snuggles, hugs. Rejoicing at reached milestones,  like rolling, crawling and sitting alone. There are sweet memories: quiet mornings nursing, just the two of us, sunny days playing in the sunshine, and chilly evenings snuggling close to Daddy.



And yet, it is hard. Sin has left its mark, even on these precious little ones. Is he really supposed to cry when I set him down to play alone? Should he be throwing his head back like that, because I took away such-and-such? Is he whining to be picked up... again?

It's evident. O, so evident. We knew when he was born. We were reminded at his baptism. And yet, as Ralphie grows, and learns, and changes, the obvious is now unavoidable.

Our son is a sinner.



He wants his own way. He wants what he wants. He wants to be happy and comfortable on his own terms. On any given day this could mean ten different things!

And so, we teach self control. And patience.

The less of ourselves we seek, the more we will love others. We want him to know this.



Even at seven months.

He does not need Mama every minute of the day. He does not have to have daddy's phone to play with.

It is so hard. So hard to see the big picture sometimes. To think beyond the moment - what am I teaching him as I do (or do not do) this? What patterns am I setting for him?

It is hard, but it is good.



I do not want to get to "the end" when he's all grown up, headed off to college, and wonder if he loves Jesus. I want to know, because he professes, because he lives, because in his life it is self-evident that he serves the King of Kings.

This is my motivation. Day in and day out.



It will only get harder from here on out. Just this morning Daniel asked him, "Are you going to be happy today, buddy?" And at that moment he was. But my response (in my "Ralphie voice") was a reality check for both of us, "O, Daddy, it's going to be a battle every day for the rest of my life. A battle fighting sin."



So we teach and train self-control and patience, because the Gospel isn't about us, and what we want. He'll need to learn to die to himself, so he can live for Christ, so he can serve others. And if our son is going to believe that, he'll need to get over himself and his wants.

Every day is about orienting our hearts away from self and towards Jesus. By God's grace we model, and by God's grace we teach.

We're here to teach and lead him in that way - the way he should go. Gently, firmly, lovingly, consistently. And it starts now, even when he's little.

Springtime Traditions

Two of the highlights of our spring last year involved Ashley, Josh and a conference.

(Reducing the Gospel Coalition to simply "a conference"  hardly seems right. . . )

(EDIT: Sorry, I had the wrong link above.. should be better now.)

This year we are combining them!!!

This weekend we and our BFFs (who are now no longer flirty friends, but love-stricken-soon-to-be-newly-weds!) are heading down to Anderson, SC for Mark and Grace Driscoll's Real Marriage tour.

We're doing a heck of a lot more than just going to a conference though... plans for visiting the men's alma mater, taking family photos, visiting family and friends, staying in a nice hotel, and I heard something about, "a nice evening for our girls," are all on the agenda.

I'm just a bit exciterated!!!

Christmas Thoughts

Being pregnant at Christmastime, I find the reality of Christ's  birth and humanity incredibly stirring. As I feel this little one inside of me kick and squirm, I think of Mary, who undoubtedly felt the same things. I'm filled with wonder then when I consider that the little one she carried was the Son of God. 

The Christmas story is a startling one. No where in any other religion do we hear about the gods becoming like their subjects. In fact, in most religions, the gods stay completely separate. They keep their distance.

This is only one aspect of Christianity that makes it so totally unique. Our God does not keep his distance. In fact, he gets so incredibly personal that he is carried inside a woman! He goes through those fascinating changes, and develops eyes and ears, a brain, and skin. Our God was at one point the size of a sweet pea, a blueberry, a lemon! Imagine that... the God of the universe - the God who MADE sweet peas.

Talk about vulnerable.

Then this little sweet pea grew. He grew and grew and grew until there was no more room inside of Mary. She was "heavy with child" - basically, she was ready to pop! And so God the Son was born.

Do you know how messy birth is? It's pretty messy. Actually, it's gross. 'Nough said, right?

But God the Son was willing to go through that process so that he could be, in every way, like us. In fact in Hebrews 2, God's Word says "it was necessary."

Why was it necessary? Why did Jesus Christ become so very vulnerable? Because God looks down from heaven and aches to see that things aren't right. Nothing is as it was meant to be.

I already mentioned one on my favorite Christmas songs. Another one is Keith and Kristyn Getty's Joy Has Dawned. "God's salvation now unfurled, hope for every nation. Not with fanfares from above, not with scenes of glory, but a humble gift of love, Jesus born of Mary... Hands that set each star in place, shaped the world in darkness cling now to a mother's breast vulnerable and helpless. Shepherds bow before the Lamb gazing at the glory. Gifts from men of distant lands prophesy the story: Gold, a King is born today. Incense, God is with us. Myrrh, his death will pave a way and with His blood he'll win us."


The Christmas story captures for us a momentous occasion in history where the God who made the universe becomes like us in order to save us.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope your heart is full of the joy and wonder of this Christmas story!

O Glorious Day!

I have a new favorite song, y'all. Glorious Day by Casting Crowns. Seriously, these guys know what they're doing. Love so many of their songs.

"Living He loved me.

Dying He saved me.

Buried He carried my sins far away.

Rising He justified - freed me forever!

And one day He's coming

O, Glorious Day!"

Maybe one of those lines speaks directly to you - for me, the thought of my sins being buried in His burial strikes a chord. They're gone, dead, good as dirt. Where I should be, He went with my sins, so that I never have to. (Hebrews  2:9)

I love how the chorus emphasizes all that Christ accomplished. The entirety of His life (and He lives yet!) has a redemptive purpose. His life, His death, His burial, His resurrection, His second coming ... all working together to give us hope.

"Death could not keep him. The grave could not hold Him from rising again!"

YES!

Because the Gospel is bigger than anything we can ever do...

Salvation Mathematics

About the only thing I like about math is that you can always count on there being only one right answer. 2+2 = 4, not 5, not 3, not 10. That works well for me, a mostly black-and-white kind of person.

Have you ever thought about salvation in mathematical terms? what + what = salvation?

It's simple right? Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us

God's grace + NOTHING = Salvation

But we humans are really good at second-guessing, aren't we? Sometimes, from a human perspective, that equation just doesn't seem equal on both sides. So, in our hearts, or minds we start to rearrange things - no, we start to add in things that we think will help balance this equation a little better.

How about this one (maybe it'll make you chuckle a bit):

God's grace + homeschooling = salvation

Ever thought a certain lifestyle was essential to your Christianity. Kill that now. It's a lie.

Or how about:

God's grace + my holiness = salvation

or

God's grace + conservatism = salvation

or 

God's grace + my family's history/position = salvation

Some of my favorites are:

God's grace + my denominational affiliation = salvation

and 

God's grace + my orthodoxy = salvation

It's O, so easy for our hearts and minds to complicate the simplicity of God's immeasurable grace. It's nothing new, either. Paul wrote a whole letter to yell at Galatian Christians who were trying to live by this equation:

God's grace + upholding the law = salvation

He yells, "What!? Have you so quickly abandoned what you were taught for another gospel!?... O, Foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you?" (Galatians 1:6 and 3:1, paraphrased)

I am so much like those Galatians some days. How often I must chase away those lies that how I live effects my salvation. How often I must repent, not just of my actions, but of my entire attitude and heart, realizing that what I have done is only caused by the false equation I'd been believing.

The Word of God tells us, that it's only when

God's grace + NOTHING = Salvation

rings true, that there is ever any purpose for Christ's crucifixion. "If righteousness were through the law, the Christ died for no purpose." (Gal 2:21) 

So, we call ourselves by His name, but live as if His death had no purpose? O, foolish Christians! Let us not forget Him who called us in the grace of Christ!

Dear Legalism, I hate your stinkin' guts.

You make me vomit.

I hate you so much I could swear.

How many tears have I bitterly wept on account of your lies?

How many Christians have you ruined through suffocation?

You say that our works matter. That we must live perfect lives. That our humanness is a fault to be conquered.

How many children have you chased away from Jesus because of your impossible demands?

How many weak victims fall prey to your brood of vipers?

You are a slow killer, and Satan's best weapon against the gospel of Jesus Christ.

O, Legalism, you are a heavy burden.

Do you not know that Jesus Christ died to destroy the weight of sin?

His work is easy, His burden is light. And in Him we can rejoice, and be comforted, renewed, and redeemed.

Legalism, your power is fleeting. You may seem strong, but Christ is stronger.

Sincerely,
          Ashlee

p.s. And, Legalism, I hate your brother Antinomianism, too. I'll yell at him later.

"Let it be known to you, therefore, that through Jesus Christ, forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you, and by Him everyone who believes is freed from everything from which you could not be free by the law..." (Acts 13: 38-39)

Parenting 001 by Kevin DeYoung

Daniel and I got a good laugh out of this Parenting 001 by Kevin DeYoung. How often do I (even as a nanny, and not a mother yet) try to raise heart issues and bring Christ into a child's actions, only to be met with a blank stare and an "I dunno." This is a good reminder that even the "experts" have difficulties, and that training a child is not a one-time deal, but a life long process of love and consistency.

"Does it seem like parenting has gotten more complicated? I mean, as far as I can tell, back in the day parents basically tried to feed their kids, clothe them, and keep them away from explosives. Now our kids have to sleep on their backs (no wait, their tummies; no never mind, their backs), while listening to Baby Mozart surrounded by scenes of Starry, Starry Night. They have to be in piano lessons before they are five and can’t leave the car seat until they’re about five foot six.

It’s all so involved. There are so many rules and expectations. Kids can’t even eat sugar anymore. My parents were solid as a rock but we still had a cupboard populated with cereal royalty like Captain Crunch and Count Chocula. In our house the pebbles were fruity and the charms were lucky. The breakfast bowl was a place for marshmallows, not dried camping fruit. Our milk was 2%. And sometimes, if we needed to take the edge off a rough morning, we’d tempt fate and chug a little Vitamin D.

Trial by Error

I don’t consider myself a particularly good parent. I was asked to speak a few years ago at some church’s conference. They wanted me to talk about parenting. I said I didn’t have much to say so they should ask someone else (which they did). My kids are probably not as crazy as they seem to me (at least that’s what I keep telling myself anyway), but if I ever write a book on parenting I’m going to call it The Inmates Are Running the Asylum.

There are already scores of books on parenting, many of them quite good. I’ve read several of them and have learned much. I really do believe in gospel-powered parenting and shepherding my child’s heart. I want conversations like this:

Me: What’s the matter son?

Child: I want that toy and he won’t give it to me!

Me: Why do you want the toy?

Child: Because it will be fun to play with.

Me: Do you think he is having fun playing with the toy right now?

Child: Yes.

Me: Would it make him sad to take the toy away?

Child: I guess so.

Me: And do you like to make your brother sad?

Child: No.

Me: You know, Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. That means loving your brother the way he would want to be loved. Since Jesus loves us so much, we have every reason to love others–even your brother. Would you like to love him by letting him play with the toy for awhile?

Child: Yes I would daddy.

I try that. Really I do. But here’s what actually happens:

Me: What’s the matter son?

Child: I want that toy and he won’t give it to me!

Me: Why do you want the toy?

Child: I don’t know.

Me: What’s going on in your heart when you desire that toy?

Child: I don’t know.

Me: Think about it son. Use your brain. Don’t you know something?

Child: I guess I just want the toy.

Me: Obviously. But why?

Child: I don’t know.

Me: Fine. [Mental note: abandon "why" questions and skip straight to leading questions.] Do you think he is having fun playing with the toy right now?

Child: No.

Me: Really?! He’s not having fun? Then why does he want that toy in the first place?

Child: Because he’s mean.

Me: Have you ever considered that maybe you are being mean by trying to rip the toy from his quivering little hands?

Child: I don’t know.

Me: What do you know?

Child: I don’t know!

Me: Nevermind. [I wonder how my brilliant child can know absolutely nothing at this moment.] Well, I think taking the toy from him will make your brother sad. Do you like to make him sad?

Child: I don’t know.

Me: [Audible sigh.]

Child: He makes me sad all the time!

Me: Well, I’m getting sad right now with your attitude! [Pause, think, what would Paul Tripp do? Thinking . . . .thinking . . . .man, I can't stop thinking of that mustache. This isn't working. Let's just go right to the Jesus part.] You know, Jesus wants us to love each other.

Child: I don’t know.

Me: I didn’t ask you a question!

Child: [Pause.] Can I have some fruit snacks?

Me: No, you can’t have fruit snacks. We are talking about the gospel. Jesus loves us and died for us. He wants you to love your brother too.

Child: So?

Me: So give him the toy back!

Then I lunge for the toy and the child runs away. I tell him to come back here this instant and threaten to throw the toy in the trash. I recommit myself to turning down speaking engagements on parenting."

The Gospel Coalition Unfolded

or something like unfolded. Basically, I'm just going to tell you about the week!

I have never been to a conference so jam-packed with events. There was a Pre-conference Conference, a Conference, and a Post-conference Conference. There were sessions during lunch breaks, and during dinner breaks. One session started at 7:30am, and the last sermon of the day finished at 9pm, with a concert to follow. Though we would have loved to soak in every bit offered, our bodies and minds simply couldn't. So we took some time to walk around Chicago, usually during lunch and dinner time, and stretch our legs and breathe in fresh air. We only ate at a chain restaurant once the entire trip, which is very exciting and big deal for us. :) We had yummy Rueben sandwiches at a real Chicago deli, thin crust pizza on Michigan Ave, toasted sandwiches at Potbelly's and Curry Chicken in China Town. We walked a lot, and talked while we walked, which was something we both enjoyed. Sure, we talk at home, but we enjoyed the opportunity to be with each other and share our hearts uninterrupted.

Daniel has, since I've known him, talked about church planting. He's especially been tugged recently to pursue it, so we attended a lot of the sessions geared toward that end. The first was part of the Pre-Conference Conference, titled "God-Given Growth: A Pre-Conference on Church Planting." Several pastors who had either church planted or revitalized an existing church shared their stories, and what God did to grow their churches significantly. They talked about the necessity of preaching - and not just preaching, but preaching God's Word. This is more important than strategy (good for my visionary, planner husband to hear :) ). They also talked about the fact that not every pastor is called to church planting, the difficulties of it, and the strengths necessary, and how then to determine if and when you are called. All good stuff to think about for us. Along those same lines a panel discussion on What a Local Church Should Look Like was helpful, too. But our favorite was the Post-Conference conference, Christ + City. More on what we learned from that in a later post, Lord willing.

We also listened to a panel discussion on what teaching Christ in the Old Testament has taught certain pastors. Alistar Begg, Mark Dever and Phil Ryken were part of this discussion.

"Corporate Worship" as the conference called it, was lead once a day by Keith and Kristyn Getty and their fabulous band. The song for the conference was By Faith. We sang a lot of other titles, too, including several from their latest CD Awake the Dawn (Which you can buy for $10 on their website, or for $13 at the Gospel Coalition.... hmmm). This was one of the best parts of the conference, honestly. The music is rich, the lyrics are powerful and Kristyn's voice is flawless. (And so loud I can't hear myself, which is great, too).

The Conference started with two sermons by Al Mohler and Tim Keller. When D.A. Carson came up on stage to announce Keller he said, "Now the next speaker is... Tim Keller." The entire room was silent. I think for a brief moment everyone stopped breathing! Carson gave us all a look and said, "Well, I think an good 'ooh-ooh-ooh!' could be said in a holy way!"

But, joking aside, Keller's sermon was the best we've heard. Daniel claims going to the conference just to hear that sermon would have been worth it. The text was Exodus 14 the climax of the Exodus account, where the Israelite's pass over the Red Sea on dry ground, and then the entire Egyptian army is swept up in a current, as the Lord folds the sea back together. Using the obvious slavery and bondage of the Israelites to depict our own slavery to sin, Keller used the "Getting Out" title to draw on our need for freedom. Ultimately this is freedom from sin and death. Keller pointed out, "If sin and death are conquered, all the rest of the mess is just like flea bites." Incredibly, in Exodus 14, God leads the Israelites out of Egypt, rescues them from slavery, kills their enemies, and THEN gives them the Law. Unlike any other religion, Christianity stands unique: There is not a process to be saved. Our works are not necessary to secure our freedom. "We are not saved by the quality of our faith, we are saved by the Object of our faith." and then, given the Law to obey, out of love, and not fear. That's freedom. That's grace. That's the Gospel.

Another highly enjoyed lecture was from Mark Driscoll on Spirit-Filled Ministry. He took us through the entire book of Luke and read every verse that speaks of the Holy Spirit. He then, in typical Driscoll style, "yelled at us because he loves us" for not letting the Holy Spirit work in our ministries by ignoring Satan, not living joyfully, focusing on what we're against rather than what we're for, and many other things. He ended with a convicting statement, "I don't care if you're preaching to the remnant. I don't care if your church is young. I don't care if you're going through a hard time! We cannot say the tomb is empty and be satisfied with fruitlessness." AMEN!

Carson got us Excited about Melchizedek, too. Hopefully more on that next weekend, for Easter.

We especially enjoyed a panel discussion on How to Teach Children and Youth the Gospel with Russel Moore, David Helm and Kimberly Thornbury. Great, great stuff! More on that later, too?

I hate long rambling posts with no pictures... sorry. I had hoped to snap away all week, but discovered my camera was missing Tuesday morning. Seems I left it in the O'Hare airport while waiting for Daniel Monday afternoon. I'm not really sure how it happened, but I've given it up as lost. The pictures on it from my weekend in Cleveland with my sister are what make me saddest. The camera is replaceable, the pictures are not. :(