Sunday, December 11, 2011

Letting Go - End of 2nd Trimester thoughts

At seven weeks (which seems like ages ago) morning sickness was in full swing. In fact, in some ways, those first few weeks were the worst, because I was still learning how to cope with the nausea. Those days my body, and Baby, were going through huge changes, and I felt it. I was sore, I was sick, I felt a constant headache-coming-on feeling, yawned incessantly, and I was working 9 1/2 hour days with two highly active elementary-age kiddos, which exaggerated every gag and ache. 

Then one Thursday morning I woke up, and as I showered and got ready for work it hit me: I felt great!

Immediately, panic sunk in. Every newly-expectant mom knows the symptoms of miscarriage. It's our worst fear. I felt like calling in to work sick, curling up in bed and crying. I was gripped with fear - dreading what they day would hold. Daniel's concern heightened mine. He tried googling symptoms to ease our fears, but was only met with grim facts.

We prayed together earnestly before I left for work, and I put on a brave face.

"Pray without ceasing" would be the phrase for that day.

Daniel and I texted almost constantly. The day progressed and I still felt great. At any given moment I kept thinking I would be met with the most obvious of miscarriage signs.

But the day went on, and still we prayed. And in those prayers we prayed, "Help us be content with Your perfect will, whatever it may be."

Ironically, that was the same prayer we prayed right before we took the pregnancy test.

At the same time, of course, we did not hold back expressing our deepest heart's desires for the health, safety, and life of our little one.

Around mid afternoon the Holy Spirit gave me a peace no words can describe. 

I realized the life of our baby was a gift, and whether he (or she) lived for only a couple weeks inside of me, or we were blessed to hold him and raise him to live a full life, that ultimately, he was not ours ... ever.

Our children are not given to us to hold onto forever. 

I heard of a mother who once spoke to this effect. She understood what it meant to let go, and she understood why. "We need to let them go. We need to let them go so their lights can shine for Jesus, where ever He takes them." She understood this fully because in less than a year she saw two of her children off to college and buried another.

I hardly slept Thursday night, but when morning finally came I was greeted by welcome symptoms of raging hCG levels! O, we were so thankful! We rejoiced and praised our Father together, all the while acknowledging that this by no means meant we were "safe" from future pregnancy complications.

Our outlook was so very different. Our thankfulness for our little one's life was heightened, but we had perfect peace knowing every day and every heartbeat was in the Lord's hands.

Our prayer now for this little one is that there will never be a day where he knows himself apart of Jesus Christ. And in knowing Jesus Christ, he will let his light shine brightly for Him, wherever the Lord takes him - should he live for fifteen years, or fifty.

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